I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
