I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
