really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
