I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
