He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
