I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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