If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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