So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
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