Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
