There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
