Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
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At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
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We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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