The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
