I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Let's paint friendship bongs
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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