I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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