i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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