when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
