We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
