my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
