GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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