if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
