hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
