I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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