Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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