census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
