your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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