You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
