I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
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