you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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