zippers are such a cool invention
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
