forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
it's like heaven, but drunker
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
