nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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