life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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