I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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