And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
