Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
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He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
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just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
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