my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
