Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
