if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
the condom got lost in my hair
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
