So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
You left your phone here
Wait...
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
