So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
