my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
