dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
