Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
