I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Found your dick twin last night
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
