Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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