I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
