my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
