Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I didn't notice because vodka
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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