You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
How naked do you want me to be?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
