I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I think I have vodka in my lungs
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
