Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
