so let's talk penis.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
