do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
