So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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