I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Can you bring me the toilet please
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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