i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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